John Martz

Jumper

This wretched unwatchable sham’ll
remove the once-shining enamel
from poor actor Hayden,
whose star is fast fadin’
just like his precursor, Mark Hamill.

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The Incredible Hulk

If movies be the food of love,
the first Hulk was inedible.
This reboot might be better, but
I’d hardly say “incredible”.

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Iron Man

Iron Man’s name has some flaws. He
is crafty about it because he,
in truth, has a cranium
made of titanium --
but then where’s his themesong from Ozzy?

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In Bruges

A pair of hitmen, hiding out, and waiting for their cues is
about to find themselves at odds, and, dare I say, in bruises.

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Shine a Light

Ode to a 50-foot Keith Richards

Keith! Oh Keith! Your craggy face,
I bet it could be seen from space --
all pock-marked, creased, and krinkled.
IMAX-size, you fill the skies
with planetoidal bloodshot eyes
as massive as they’re wrinkled.

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Bee Movie

With a title like this, there are tons
of reviews that are littered with puns.
Could anything be more unfunny
than “Buzz Kill!” or “Show Me The Honey!”?
Myself, I’m not prone to such junk;
I simply thought Bee Movie stungk.

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I Am Legend

A horrible virus has spread,
and a worldwide genetic mutation
has made the world’s people undead.
Pandemic-style zombification!

Immune to the zombies’ disease,
and alone, on the brink of insanity,
Will Smith, of the zombies, decrees
that “they’ve lost any sign of humanity!”

That’s not the impression I got.
Mr. Smith, do you think that perhaps
you missed, or just maybe forgot
‘bout the part where they learned to build traps?

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Good Luck Chuck

At a friend of a friend’s, whereupon
someone else chose to put this one on,
‘twould be rude to just voice
that it was a poor choice.
I conceded, and thought, “Good luck, John”

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Let’s All Hate Toronto

If this guy’s representative
of all that is Toronto,
then point me t’wards the hate club
and initiate me pronto.

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Stardust

As hard as it tried
It’s no Princess Bride

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No Country for Old Men

Thrilling and powerful, Javier rocks, he
deserves every plaudit and rave.
That being said, it’s The Hudsucker Proxy
that stands as my Coen-brand fave.

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Atonement

Why the hell is Keira Knightley,
mantis eyes, and teeth unsightly,
on the poster, posing as if she’s the movie’s lead?
Keira pulls a pouty phone-in,
when compared to Saoirse Ronan
who, herself, belongs upon the poster, I’ve decreed.

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The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

Its greatest feat I can report is
lifelike (deathlike?) rigor mortis.

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Michael Clayton

I admit that almost surely
If I was, instead, a girlie
Watching actor Georgie Clooney
I’d be all ablush and swooney.

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There Will Be Blood

“Poor Eli, my boy!
I thought I explained.
That land has been had and already been drained.
If you have a milkshake, and I have one too,
and I have a straw, d’you know what I do?
There it is, that’s a straw.
Do you see? Watch it, son.
As it reaches its way ‘cross the room it’s begun
to drink from your milkshake right out of your cup.
Yes, I drink your milkshake!
I drink it right up!”

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