John Martz

Duel

Our motorist hero is struck
with road rage and lots of bad luck.
It’s sort of like Jaws,
but different because
instead of a shark, there’s a truck.

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National Treasure: Book of Secrets

A Filmmaker’s Checklist:

• Ridiculous cave-in
• Nicolas Cage
• A lot of flag-wavin’
• Comical rage

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Cloverfield

The web was a flurry of rumours again:
“the movie event of the season!” So then,
excited, yet cautious, to see Cloverfield,
I couldn’t help wonder just what it would yield.

The trailer, it offered a mystery, but more --
a movie with realism deep at its core.
‘Least that’s what I thought, since it all looked so real.
But what did the actual movie reveal?

The characters were the film’s biggest mistake.
These people aren’t real! Why, in fact, they’re quite fake.
Privileged white folk, just more of the same.
I can’t feel compassion for people this lame.

A monster the size of a building is aces,
but not when there’s nothing but beautiful faces
to root and to cheer for. And so I can’t clap
for “Godzilla Versus an Ad for the GAP”

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Juno

Ushers in a mighty era.
Hail the king!
(It’s Michael Cera)

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Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Depp is a barber who’s creepy an’ scary an’
Likely to make you a true vegetarian.

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Shoot ‘Em Up

Tons of bodies pile up slain
in this salute to guns and pain.
As movies go, it’s quite insane.
But if you take it with a grain
of salt then it becomes quite plain
to see it’s like a real McBain.

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300

What kind of bombastic film can impart a
catchphrase as blustering as “THIS IS SPARTA!”?

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Meet the Robinsons

A time travel flick very shy
of perfection, and that’s surely why
no space-age historian
goes sans-DeLorean.
This kid’s no Marty McFly.

An incontrovertible bomb, it
surprises me I did not vomit.
That dim Roeper bum
gave this one a thumb,
but didn’t like Wallace & Gromit?

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King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters

A rivalry ‘tween Steve and Billy,
for Donkey Kong scores, seems quite silly.
The metaphor’s played
within an arcade:
“man versus hairy gorilly.”

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Philippine Science

I wake up late to catch this early flick,
and as my window to be timely shortens,
it doesn’t even matter just how quick
I am, when at the mercy of Tim Horton’s.

I finally get my coffee, and I flee!
Determined, optimistic, I go forth.
But when I hop aboard the TTC,
I accidentally board it heading north.

At last! I see the film on time, but--man!
It’s amateurish, cheap, and far from classy.
I’d rather watch another movie than
this budget Filipino-style Degrassi.

The greatest slight a movie can achieve
is, halfway through, when I just up and leave.

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Sukiyaki Western Django

Takashi Miike, ever unrelentin’,
rewards us with a cameo from Quentin.

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Cassandra’s Dream

Brothers find trouble, and each is a killer,
as Woody presents a new Match Point type thriller.
Could have been great, except for one factor:
Ewan MacGregor’s a ham of an actor.

(Seriously, though, this could’ve been a fantastic dark comedy. Woody, I love you, but you’re not Alfred Hitchcock)

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M

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Garage

We speak the same language;
I’m shocked ‘twas so vital
that each Irish accent
came with a subtitle.

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Gone with the Woman

Along comes a girl who
hangs on like a curse.
Our man is conflicted:
For better or worse,
she pushes his buttons.
But push turns to shove,
and both must decide
if it’s really true love.

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